A Farewell from One of NSB’s Most Treasured Members
It is with considerable sadness that I am posting this message to NSB from Katrin. The title I’ve given this piece gives you some indication of my feelings, and her farewell message will further clarify why this farewell is, indeed, a reason for sadness.
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Katrin writes:
I am writing here and today to you because there is something I want to share with you. This community NSB means, and has meant a lot to me over the years since I joined.
Like in any group, I have my favorites, and those I can relate better to, and those who I get mad at sometimes but then am surprised when this totally changes around again. (like with David R., a man who still grows on me) Jim, so kind and reliable in heart, Hanu…almost every one of you I feel I know in some way.
If any of you were to suddenly not show up here any more, I’d want you to first tell us why so we wouldn’t be left wondering why someone was missing.
I bring that up because presumably I myself am soon going to be “missing.” The reason was foretold in a story Andy posted here for me a couple of years ago. From this story it became clear that I had been diagnosed with a pretty severe and extremely aggressive breast cancer in June of 07 for which I was treated in all the available ways.
(I am not sure how many of you read this story as only a few ‘regulars’ commented, and then also a few people I did not know who they were.)
Last year the cancer came back in several places. I have been going downhill pretty fast. Especially these past few weeks I notice that I cannot concentrate well and long, and my head hurts, and I feel nauseous much of the time.
There’s not a lot that can be done about this at this point. I have been told that I can expect to die in 6 months at best.
As I said, the NSB community has been an important part of my life. I am not the type who just leaves a place or person of importance without saying ‘good bye’. And that’s what I want to do now, before it’s too late to do so.
I will miss NSB. I will miss Andy, who has consistently advised and supported me in complicated times. I will miss this group, and the connections– all that has meant a lot to me. And it still does. (I will even miss the troublemakers.)
My missing all this is not so much after the fact, but much more already now as I see my abilities waning. No longer having the choice always about reading an article I want to read and fully comprehend it or not becoming physically ill half way through.
It is sad to contemplate losing all this, and it is not easy saying good-bye.
Not that I’m disappearing right now, mind you. I hope to appear now and then here, as I can. But while I can, I wanted to tell you all how much this group has meant to me, and what it means if sometime soon you stop seeing me show up on this site.
February 15th, 2010 at 5:50 am
.. I am not always here, but of all, you are the one I have the most sense of what your substance is…
February 15th, 2010 at 8:28 am
Katrin,
I’m very sorry to hear this news. My heart goes out to you, Katrin. Your words about being a kinder person will not be lost on me (and a good chance some others) in the future. I’m just very sorry to hear this news and I wish you nothing but happiness always.
Steve
February 15th, 2010 at 9:17 am
Katrin, I will be sorry to see you no longer on this forum. I firmly believe that what you are experiencing is something that all will go through at some time. The method changes as does the feelings and reflections that one has access to. I think you know that I believe that there is a oneness out there, even though there may no longer be an “I” to experience it. I like to think of all who have passed through that gate of experience to be brave. It is the condition of life and since all who contribute on this board are alive, we will all have to go through this too. Peace be with you and enjoy the life you have left. I will look forward to your postings as long as they keep appearing. And when they stop, I know that the time has come for you. You will be in my thoughts after that time as others who have touched me stay with me in my memories, even if only through the written word.
February 15th, 2010 at 9:46 am
I am sorry to hear of your declining health. I hope you feel at peace with your situation even as you fight for your well-being in whatever way you have chosen to.
I’m not a “regular” as regular as those you named, not consistently a commenter, and though I recall reading posts of yours, I have not felt I “know [you] in some way,” until now.
Which leads me, a non-regular, to respond to your post. I am touched by your note. I am touched by the deeply honorable action that it is. “Honor” is not a word much in favor any longer, and I think it’s too bad. Dishonor is so prevalent – a prevalence that led to the creation of this site – and honor so very valuable. And at a time of great personal change, to consider the impact of your departure on those you leave behind, even in this virtual setting, and to act on the discoveries in that consideration with such intimacy is profoundly honorable.
And I am touched by the intimacy with which you have spoken to your friends here. And my life is enriched by your actions, by having known you, if only through this single gesture.
All the best to you in comfort, care, love, joy and peace in this time of great change.
February 15th, 2010 at 9:53 am
Katrin,
At this moment I’m feeling stilled and saddened by your news. I’ve let Andy know that I’m very open to corresponding with you via email, as you go forth into this challenging time.
Believe me, you’ll be in my heart.
February 15th, 2010 at 10:12 am
Dear Katrin,
I’m saddened to read your post–I know from having almost always read what you had to say that your gentle thoughts would lead you to consider the needs of others to know what is happening to you. I do appreciate that because I know I would have wondered what had happened although now that you mention it, I do recall the earlier post. Today I’m sending good thoughts and my wishes and hopes your way.
February 15th, 2010 at 10:27 am
Best wishes Katrin,
Thank you for sharing.
May you continue to have the courage and strength as you cope with aggressive cancer.
NSB and Andy and this blog gives perspectives on many issues and your responses have added to the mix.
May you continue to read and respond as long as it is wise for you to do so.
John
February 15th, 2010 at 10:47 am
Thanks Katrin for the poignant farewell. You’ll be sadly missed with your wise and thoughtful responses. My thoughts are with you.
February 15th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
Katrin, I am sorry to hear of your illness. Your fine piece above reminded me of a poem my good friend John Hofer (who posts here occasionally) wrote a couple years ago, which I have kept on my wall as a reminder that it is important always to be aware of what we are thankful for, especially our relationships with others. May your journey be peaceful.
NOTES AT THE END OF EVERYTHING
I must remember to say thank you
To everyone
Who got me to this place,
Saying it
Or praying it.
Nothing we have
Is entirely our own.
I must remember to say thank you
To life
Which grew its heart out in spring
Twisting its way through Blue Moons
And African Iris,
Through difficult cords of birds
And down the delicate lines
Of Swallowtail.
Last, I thank myself
For having had the courage
To listen to my lover’s words
To believe in the impossibility
Of love not being possible.
We have no courage
Apart from others’ courage.
Nothing we have
Is entirely our own.
Beauty saved me
From the pity of myself.
We have no courage
Apart from others’ courage.
I must say thank you
To everyone
Who got me to this place.
John Hofer, October 17, 2007
February 15th, 2010 at 12:21 pm
Sincerest sympathies, Katrin. I hope the transition will be as easy as possible for you and yours. My prayers are with you.
February 15th, 2010 at 12:31 pm
Katrin, I shed two huge tears upon reading this. The first, of already missing you knowing that you will be leaving before most of us, and certainly way too soon to suit me. The second, a tear of joy at having gotten to know you through your intelligent, experienced and deeply feeling comments and conversations here at NSB. I really do feel as if I have gotten to know you despite never having met you in person. Your goodness lives on; your spirit lives forever in my heart.
February 15th, 2010 at 12:31 pm
Having joined recently, I haven’t gotten to know you, Katrin. I am sorry to hear you have a terminal illness. May your journey home be as pleasant as it can be. Know that your spirit will be with us here and in the afterlife. Blessings.
February 15th, 2010 at 2:51 pm
Dear Katrin,
I am very sorry for your situation, and will keep you in my prayers. I have enjoyed and benefited from your wisdom. May God bless you, and yours.
Richard
February 15th, 2010 at 4:00 pm
dear katrin
how unspeakably sad! despite my waning memory, i recall vividly how often i appreciated your posts.
just wish to remind you how often doctors are wrong in their prognoses. my father-in-law was told he would die within months when he was 40, but he was actually 80 when he finally died. true story. i swear.
but i don’t wish to give false hope. i merely mean to encourage you to be open to the possibility of outliving their best GUESS. i’ll pray for that.
sam
February 15th, 2010 at 4:46 pm
Thank you so much for your truly caring responses to me, and the gentleness in the tone of your voices.
To me going this way has really been a gift in many ways, and so much nicer than just dropping dead somewhere.
Even if things are not broken, or were to begin with as in my case, it helps all of us so much to go through the healing and grieving together, and prepare the endless stuff that needs to be done.
And as painful as it is with my kids. (19 and 14), I feel so grateful to have this time for and with them.
I trust the process, and I feel in many ways led.
So much KINDNESS, coming and going both ways!
Thanks Andy! Thank you all! KATRIN
February 15th, 2010 at 6:16 pm
I`m devastated, Katrin. You have checked me into the boards, when I`ve tried to make a goal. But listen, as George Herbert, (Jacula Prudentum), says … “Death Forseen comes not.”
February 15th, 2010 at 6:35 pm
Katrin,
Thank you for your courage and kindness. I’ve been an off and on visitor to NSB for three or four years, and through that time I recall reading many of your posts with gratitude for the soft and wise tone presented. I wish now that I had expressed my gratitude to you sooner and more often.
Life really does seem to boil down to the basic but profound connections that can be formed between people. We (and I really mean I) too often allow ourselves to lose that truth in a study of numbers and trends and issues. I am grateful for your willingness to tell your story. It makes me feel more human, more whole.
I hope you will not be offended if I share a verse that has had a lot of meaning to me (particulary when my father died 10 years ago): ” . . . the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life.” (Alma 40:11).
“Home.” Just saying the word fills me with a sense of peace. It fills my mind with images that are reassuring, like being wrapped in a favorite blanket sitting beside my father. In front of us is a picture window, and we can see the leaves on the trees and watch the birds darting from branch to branch. The sky is blue, except for a few puffy, white clouds. As we experience the beauty that surrounds us, I imagine that neither of us has anything more important to do at that moment. Just spending time together is what matters most. That’s what home means to me.
I hope that you and your family will be comforted at this time of transition, and I thank you again for reminding me to have the courage to be whole.
February 16th, 2010 at 11:43 pm
Aaron, I just reread your verse, and it rings so true to me. I have always known where I am going after I leave my body…exactly where I came from.
To you and to all, donna, steve, robin, aaron, hanu, bess, john, janet, jim O., mczilla, jim Z, david, larry, dan, richard, sam, james and …andy, and…
I wrote all our names without capital letters to show that we really are all in the same boat as robin says? Maybe that after we die we are all the same?
katrin
February 19th, 2010 at 9:30 am
I’m shedding tears, Katrin. I feel so privileged to know you and to have learned some things from you, way more than can be easily summarized. love, Larry
February 19th, 2010 at 10:45 am
I’ve read all the posts now, all great. With great appreciation and a continuing sense of great privilege at being here with you, larry
February 23rd, 2010 at 4:58 pm
Katrin,
This Native American poem states exactly how I feel about leaving this life – plane – whatever? I hope it resonates with you and that you know I am with you in spirit.
“Don’t stand by my grave and weep,
for I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am diamonds glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the the gentle Autumn’s rain.
In the soft hush of the morning light,
I am the swift bird in flight.
Do not stand by my grave and cry,
I am not there – I did not die.”
God bless, Katrin.
Joan
February 26th, 2010 at 12:27 am
That is beautiful, Joan. Thank you! Katrin
March 13th, 2010 at 10:28 am
Katrin,
I feel I know you in some small way. Hence I decided to write this poem. If it helps even a little bit, then I will have succeeded.
Thoughts on Mortal Life and It’s Beauty
The rush of life never seems to stop.
Births come and deaths go,
but life is continuous.
Shall it always be so?
There is beauty in the light
There is oneness in the ecology of the forest.
There is the individual
and the whole.
Is the individual and the whole the same?
I do not know,
but I do know that all are related.
We are more the same than different.
Spring, is the rush to life.
Summer, where life is moribund.
Fall is the fading and
Winter is the quiet time of contemplation.
Snow on grass
is different than snow floating in the air.
They are the same but different.
How can this be true?
All things change but stay the same.
Humans change throughout life.
The ultimate change is death.
Death is the merging of one into many.
What is death?
I feel that death is a loss of individuality.
Before we lived we were dead
And so we shall be after we live.
We were a potential in a sea of potentials
and so we go back into that sea.
It this terrible?
No, it is beautiful but hard to imagine.
So, in the end we are back where we came from.
Symmetry is beautiful
Our life illustrates symmetry.
Beauty, what more can we ask for?
March 14th, 2010 at 5:54 pm
Robin says: ‘I feel I know you in some small way. Hence I decided to write this poem. If it helps even a little bit, then I will have succeeded.’
Dear Robin, I think your poem is really beautiful, and the fact that you wanted to, and did write it for me, really adds so much more in value and meaning.
It proves once again to me that a connection is possible in so many ways, and through so many channels, and not always limited by distance.
Thank you, Robin, what you wrote helps a lot. You are supporting a positive, purposeful dynamic that not only is, but is supposed to be.(and this is how I feel)
i.e. The day I found out my father died, the same day I found out I was pregnant with my son.
The day my best friend died, his sister had a baby.
Thank you Robin, so much for your gift, Katrin